So I been watching this movie for a few days now, always stopping and starting again at the middle of the film. The beginning part is so epic that it turns everything I see into shit! All that is around me starts to melt and transform into liquid-drippy shit! It's kind of gross, but that kind of intense mental trickery only comes when one is so enthralled by reality!
The reality of knights in armor fighting each other for love and glory is like, so hot. Whenever I gets the chance to sees it me-self, I get so happy to watch the love between King Arthur and his main boy Lancelot. Stinkily enough for everyone in the known world at the time, homeboy Lancelot totally, totally bangs Arthur's totally wicked fine lady. Sometimes I wonder if Lancelot regretted it, but you find out in the end of the movie that he is like really, really sorry and only wants to die as a Knight of the Round Table once again. Then King Arthur totally forgives him and lets him know that he has already forgiven the Queen for her slutty. Time of slutty. She told King Arthur that she loved him as the King, but only sometimes as a Husband. She says:
"One must not gaze at the sun for too long..."
This scene is really hot and intense and sad. Arthur proceeds to tell her that he understands, that he, as an existent being, is on the earth to be a kind of Future Memory. That the things he did in his life were to be legend. GAY. But then he totally redeems himself by telling his Queen that when he dies and that if they should meet in the next world, that she would come to him as a woman and that he could be just a man.
This is really touching, but they don't touch each other and he leaves to die in battle with his son that he got tricked into having. It's a pretty gross/hot scene and it happens earlier in the movie. His half-sister uses the same spell that Merlin used to bring Arthur to the world way back when Uther Pendragon asked Merlin to use the spell to give him on night of sex with the Queen of the only other guy who was fighting him for the right to be King. They became buds and then they got in an argument about the woman and they started fighting again. Then Merlin, the most happening, chill-guy party wizard in the land, uses the Charm of Making to turn Uther into the other dude so he can bang the dudes wife. That is how Arthur is conceived. It made Kyle and Chris so horny. Horner.
That is why Arthur's half-sister turns herself into Arthur's lady for a night, using the Charm of Making, and totally grinds up on her half-brother! KYLE LOVED IT! But instead of making a totally chill dude who wants peace and hella weed at the dinner table (like Arthur), she gives birth to this kind of dumb/inbred blond turd. His name is Mordred and she raises him to take his rightful place as king. But during this time Arthur is hellsa sick because he loses all of his power after he finds his Queen and Lancelot naked in the woods asleep after fuckin'. Arthur gets so bummed and sick and tells all of his knights to find the Holy Grail. It takes pretty much like 10 years and like every knight dies except for Percival, who eventually has a really intense spiritual experience in which he is drowning. After seeing the only other O.G. Knight of the Round Table get killed by Mordred, he wanders to this like camp. There he sees Lancelot who has gone insane and is like a prophet of doom. Lance totally freaks on him and throws him into this river. It's crazy too because Percival was once Lancelot's squire!! Then as Percival gets dragged downstream he reaches a pool where his armor starts to sink him.
There is a beautiful scene where Percival struggles under the water with his armor and at the last moment swims up to the surface, gasping for air. He finds himself at the castle of the Grail and is asked by the floating ball of light/Grail:
"Who does the Grail serve?" to which he replies:
"You, my Lord." It is here that we discover that the Secret of the Grail is that Arthur is one with the land and that the Grail is the spirit that needs to enter Arthur. Percival appears naked in the King's throne room with the Holy Grail and helps Arthur drink from the chalice. Arthur immediately stands up and says:
"I never knew how empty was my soul until it was filled."
6 stars out of Excalibur (THE SWORD FROM WHICH ALL OF ARTHUR'S POWER IS DERIVED)
