Earth

Never in my life have I encountered something so dumb as the planet Earth. Dude seriously, when she first started out I was into it and I thought a lot of her ideas were really good. Now it just seems that all of her songs are about the same stuff. And what the hell is up with things like tornadoes, famine, and sea monsters? I can't believe that shit goes on.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE WATER SLIDES, DUDE.

I went there last week after work and wanted to unwind, kick back, maybe jump off some rocks into the river, when all of a sudden I was completely surrounded by life. Ew! Gross! It was SO unbearable! There were birds and trees and oxygen and water and I was completely weirded out. Plus the service was SO shitty.

I give the third planet farthest from the Sun:

99 degrees out of 100 degrees of ass gas

Sleeping

Sometimes when I gets real tired and the long day has me tuckered, I lay down with my eyes open. I usually sleep without panties or shoes. I do like lotion and heart alarm clocks next to the bed. I like to think my alarm clock LOVES me and would tell me in case some strange intruder with a full lighting kit comes in to sample my dusty curbs.

69 out of 100

(It's not good, BUT IT'S PASSING ;)

The Replacements

"Yards of fun!"

This movies got it all. Big stars and equally titanic cheerleader tits. It will make nipples hard and your cat wet. It will even go as far as making your dog yelp "I RUVVVV YOUUU".


Its an underdoggiestile reachover ballsnatcher of a story line. Good for the whole fam-damn-ily. Its full metaphorical sillilessssesnesss that will vibe positvely with your mombody.

Enjoy this movie on family game night atfer you get back from your ward. The elders may not understand, but Keanu does (though he may not understand himself).

As for the acting, Keanu kills the part. In fact, he could have acted the part while simultaneously filling out his W-4 and baking the best cookies ever.

I mean, fuck "Rudy". Get this movie and you will have a good time. With themes of "Team spirit" and "faith", a group of people fight to one goal. How could you go wrong?

Its funbelievably 1 out of 4.

Go get it at your local red box.

Cannibal Holocaust

This movie is awesome because there is lots of killing and raping. They kill a turtle for real one time in the video. It so sick. I mostly like the part where the American Woman gets raped and her head gets cut off. Totally silly. Supposedly it's banned in most countries and deemed "filth" by most viewers.

When I saw it, it made me feel really uncomfortable.

4 out of 5

North Atlantic Ocean

Despite occupying an elongated,

sprocket gated,

S shaped

totally longitudally located

basin of the sea,

the Atlantic Ocean does not deserve the capitalization of it's title.

This North Atlantic northern portion of the Atlantic Ocean Sea Bed

leaves all amount of desire to be desired.

The clown fish do not even live there.

And they have an ingenious survival agreement.

The only life found here

Around here.

in the last 6 hundred and seventy 4 years

has been a.

Petrified orange sea turtle.

At first the people were real real excited for the discovery

and then they realized that the turtle and even the turtle's inner workings and even it's heart were petrified.

No movement in over:

the process does not take millions of years,

but rather a particular set of circumstances including

acids minerals and or dry conditions.

And then it happened.

The North Atlantic Ocean receives stars that should be starfish living there but

aren't because all there is is petrified sea turtles.

They should be there but they aren't.

1 out of 3

Hook

Hook absolutely astonished me in '67 with it's illustrious performance by Manhattan Transfer at Tony's Hookah Lounge.

The lighting director was really on point.

The movie version, however, left munch to be desired.

The lighting director was

ignorant.

2 out of 1

Freedom

Today I was reminded by a spirit of the price of freedom. Thinking then about the Dulle Company I remembered that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, first in our thoughts, forever in our hearts.

Why'd you forget that, Dennis?

0 Towers out of 2

YouTube World's Greatest Freak Out

Sam Raimi's movie's game's player's brother places computer iSight in room of brother who suffers from World of Warcraft psychosis.

Stuff of Gods?

Or are we just taking you...

on a ride?

2 out of 5

The Last Star Fighter

Last night I had the pleasure of watching The Last Star Fighter (1984), a film by Nick Castle. The story follows a young chump named Alex (Lance Guest), who is damn good at the video game Star Fighter. He is so good, in fact, that the smooth talking Centauri (Robert Preston), who invented Star Fighter abducts Alex and takes him on the journey of a lifetime.

This film is the whole package; it has a great cast of cooky side characters, a musical score stolen almost exclusively from Star Wars, and computer animated sequence that would make a high-school digital arts student blush.

Grig (Dan O'Herlihy) contemplates a decision.

This movie is pretty spectacular. I give it

Poop Stars out of Diamonds.