Shanghai Noon

Jackie is angry and grabbing Owen because they're are in a fight. But a loud scary noise coming from somewhere to Jackie's right (or Owen's left) has scared them both. Unidentified beings in the backyard (background) make the situation that much more tense (intense.)

If you can find it on DVD you're stupid because it came out in 2000 and they still made VHS back then and you should ALWAYS use VHS. Your stoner/slacker-chic lifestyle can grant no sanctuary for surfaces that can be scratched. USE CASSETTE CARTRIDGES! THE TAPE INSIDE WILL BE SAFER IN THERE! JUST DON'T STEP ON IT OR DROP IT DOWN THE LADDER FROM THE LOFT OR IT WILL BRAKE! THIS IS WHY WE NO LONGER OWN KAZAM!

6 fukka sukkas ouffa 10

Candyman

First off, I fucking HAVE to make a joke about the bees coming out of the toilet. There's no way I would have expected that in a public bathroom, but maybe a Honeybucket! Oh man I kill myself. Hopefully before this fucked up brotha cuts me open from my vagina to chin. Seriously this guy has a bad attitude. People need to be aware that IT IS NOT SAFE TO ASK FOR SNICKERS IN THE MIRROR; YOU WILL GET CUT OPEN FROM YOUR VAGINA TO YOUR CHIN AND IT WILL HURT REALLY BAD.
The idea of Candyman is so legit, but this movie eats assholes; meaning it's got no substanance. I mean, seriously dude, at the end of the movie the professor husband gets his ass handed to him by a bald ghost version of his wife with a hook. SO SICK.

3 out 10

Black Fist

Intense character driven story-line led by an all-star cast featuring a rompin' ass soundtrack.

"There's a black lion in your jungle..."

8 out of 11.5333333333333333333

LOOK FOR THE VHS, COMING SOON TO GNAR TAPES & VIDEO!!!!

Kids Version of Pulp Fiction

You know I know that you've all seen Pulp Fiction. What is a lesser known fact is that kids hated it. They hated it until the kids version was released.

John T's performance in films of the 'Look Who's Talking' franchise made him a huge success in the 6 to 12 and 62 to 78 age demographix so they payed him with all of the sweets sour power his puckered little pecker face could for the sake of being able to handle fucking long ass run-on sentences. Kids love them nearly as much they love scraping their knees while wearing primary coloured shorts cut just above the knee's cap that so selflessly takes all the damage young kids (or old kids) can dish out. That's why Johnny's a pro, yo.

"Sam-Sam's" payment was, and I'm quoting that guy "...just getting to hang out with those crazy kids that replaced every other character in that damned movie..."

"...the smells..."

"...the grilled cheeses."

"The cwuddy duddy puddy of a muddy was boopie," said Tucker or Tuckel ( I couldn't get a straight answer on what his name actually was) "but PF was dope to the max." PF is the abbreviated name for the children's version, guy.

Personally, dude, I thought it was hoe-K! I wasn't so much into the violence, drugs, and sexy sexual tension that plagued the original version, or, ov, G.

Don't forget to get PF Chang's, Hank, for it's the dang's dank.

Common commas keep cumming.









"Does he look like a doo-doo head?"

13 - 61 Halftime

God



Isn't this guy up for re-election? I mean, an eight year term with Bush was bad, but this dude has been a sitting duck since the beginning of all fucking time, dudes! We don't have to take this shit.

Tell you what we should do. Let's find this "stairway to heaven" that Robert Plant was talking about in that one song, climb that fucker, and drag this dude's sorry ass off of his throne. Easy shit. The guy deserves it. Just look at all this shit. He was a so-so designer but his workmanship was "shotty" at best - he could have contracted the work out to a better and more able construction company (or at least he could have hired day workers) but he decided to do all the work by himself and with only one good carpenter (his son), just to save a dime. And his website is an atrocity; I can't even find a direct email address or a phone number, all they provided is a 1-800 number that puts you through to a machine. Ive tried going to one of his "conveniently placed" local offices and the service there sucked. They told me I had to be "saved" and would have to be "dead" to meet with him directly, unless God himself chose to speak with me, whereby he would then appear as a floating hologram representation of Jimmy Buffet. Great. Just great. AND ALMIGHTY.

I give God:

Bruce Willis out of "Look Who's Talking Too"

Half Life 2

Dude this band fucking RULES!!!!! I saw them play at SXSW last year and I bought all of their 7"s and I thought they were pretty good at first, but then over the winter I totally fell in love with their infectious pop melodies!
Comprising the band is brother and sister/mother and lover duo, Marquis and Marqueef; I'm sure you already know who's who ;)
The band is from Brooklyn/Portland and they love to fuck.

8.67/10.00

Boom.tv

I saw this movie where the trailer was exploding and it fucking ripped my pants so fast that I tripped the hippopotomus into the honey hot tub. It was a bit too much to hannnnndle so I stealthfully retreated the Act IIII where I found the Fernando Staff. I think it has a curse - where upon my attack power is generated a flux of a bility a whole nother dimension of powerfull explosions. I detroyed a trailer and reflected.

I wish it was a band.

Then again,

I wish it was my dad.

The Medallion

Willis, Greg, and and and drew put together a film about Jackie Chan and a guy from the Drew Carrey show. It was pretty funny, at least in the way that it protected audience members from states of non funny. However; visions of dreaming dragons drug drearily drudge judgments. I felt a little awkward when I found Phil's little brother in the movie. He seemed a little eccentric, I hope he is okay - I think it might be the right thing; the treatment that is. I thought at first that it might be detrimental to his health, but it ended up being a miracle. He is doing well. I love the work that Tan put into the sound design. It felt like a wimpum of sine-graves. At one point time slowed down so much that I could see the dinosaurs that walk to slow to see.

No man, I just wiped my butt.

Out of Money