Titanic

Titanic came out in theaters a few years ago and I thought it was just great. I remember seeing it with myself and just wondering if I could ever review it. Now I stand here before via text on your screen to tell you that it was such a funny and awesome movie. The parts when the ship is sinking and people are trying to escape is just so intense! So many people who sunk to the bottom of the ocean! It's weird cuz that's not a primate's natural habitat of course, so they all died. Which is weird and kind of sad, I guess. Even though you have to remember it's just a movie. That's what moms usually say.

Icebergs out of the Ocean (5.5 out of 8.5)

Kung Fu Executioner

When a brotha goes to China to visit his best friend, does he usually expect to have to engage in mortal combat with all forms of Chinese thugs? Yes.

Kung Fu Executioner starring Carl Scott and Billy Chong is one of those classic movies that in which raises the question: are we all sleepwalking through our dreams? Or are we dreamwalking through our days?

A funny, dramatic, sad, funny story about three pigs on a farm making songs about the grand ol' days of Dixie.

Take your pants off; it's time.

Bacons

The Late Night Show featuring New Moon Day

I found a lot of dignificance in a blast to the moon and I stayed uo all night to watch it. To keep from getting bored I drank coffee and worked on a new website, copying and pasting tons of codes. But when I finally went to sleep at 5:30 AM I was so wired that I rolled around half sleeping in a horror land of html, and I can't understand the stylesheet because somewhen else uploaded it onto the host server and I was copying and pasting but I just couldn't get done. I don't think I got much real sleep. But still, the moon is different in a pretty big way that is still really small, and I watched it happen when it looked like a football and I couldn't keep the lines right.

Five Mile Crater out of the moon.

Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan is a whacky man, doing what a hackie can. Still, I thought his portrayal of the accidental spy was an occidental cry for helpful merciles penibangs. Dude, otrusion and brave contusions lied to a cast of maliciously delicious off full mother plungers eating crap for their potatoes, and nacho cheese for their french toast. Why was it then, when I was observing the films of Jackie Chan, that I got such an incredjoulously hunourmous boner that I ripped my pants and watered the plants when I did my dance? That's because Jackie is an orphan, incredibly well-versed in kung fu, and inevitably devoted to hang you. Get your

Mind out of the Guttermouth

Starship Troopers

The super duper antics of those darmned Starship Troopers are quite possibly (partially) at fault for the slowed growth (and other side-effects) of dreams (and other variances) on teens, tweens, pre-tweens, and Charlie Sheens. You really have to pay attention to capture every detail that was put into every frame. I bought the soundtrack yesterday (released by VHS Records) and I was mostly suprised that Phil Collins was still a man. The Starship goof-troop really know what takes to please a man like me.

"My super starship troupe comin out to shoot/ Eazy-E muthafucka cold knockin the boots"

The Startshit Poopers made me believe in life after love.

Tiny out of Big

Seven of Nine

7 of 9

Shanghai Noon

Jackie is angry and grabbing Owen because they're are in a fight. But a loud scary noise coming from somewhere to Jackie's right (or Owen's left) has scared them both. Unidentified beings in the backyard (background) make the situation that much more tense (intense.)

If you can find it on DVD you're stupid because it came out in 2000 and they still made VHS back then and you should ALWAYS use VHS. Your stoner/slacker-chic lifestyle can grant no sanctuary for surfaces that can be scratched. USE CASSETTE CARTRIDGES! THE TAPE INSIDE WILL BE SAFER IN THERE! JUST DON'T STEP ON IT OR DROP IT DOWN THE LADDER FROM THE LOFT OR IT WILL BRAKE! THIS IS WHY WE NO LONGER OWN KAZAM!

6 fukka sukkas ouffa 10

Candyman

First off, I fucking HAVE to make a joke about the bees coming out of the toilet. There's no way I would have expected that in a public bathroom, but maybe a Honeybucket! Oh man I kill myself. Hopefully before this fucked up brotha cuts me open from my vagina to chin. Seriously this guy has a bad attitude. People need to be aware that IT IS NOT SAFE TO ASK FOR SNICKERS IN THE MIRROR; YOU WILL GET CUT OPEN FROM YOUR VAGINA TO YOUR CHIN AND IT WILL HURT REALLY BAD.
The idea of Candyman is so legit, but this movie eats assholes; meaning it's got no substanance. I mean, seriously dude, at the end of the movie the professor husband gets his ass handed to him by a bald ghost version of his wife with a hook. SO SICK.

3 out 10

Black Fist

Intense character driven story-line led by an all-star cast featuring a rompin' ass soundtrack.

"There's a black lion in your jungle..."

8 out of 11.5333333333333333333

LOOK FOR THE VHS, COMING SOON TO GNAR TAPES & VIDEO!!!!

Kids Version of Pulp Fiction

You know I know that you've all seen Pulp Fiction. What is a lesser known fact is that kids hated it. They hated it until the kids version was released.

John T's performance in films of the 'Look Who's Talking' franchise made him a huge success in the 6 to 12 and 62 to 78 age demographix so they payed him with all of the sweets sour power his puckered little pecker face could for the sake of being able to handle fucking long ass run-on sentences. Kids love them nearly as much they love scraping their knees while wearing primary coloured shorts cut just above the knee's cap that so selflessly takes all the damage young kids (or old kids) can dish out. That's why Johnny's a pro, yo.

"Sam-Sam's" payment was, and I'm quoting that guy "...just getting to hang out with those crazy kids that replaced every other character in that damned movie..."

"...the smells..."

"...the grilled cheeses."

"The cwuddy duddy puddy of a muddy was boopie," said Tucker or Tuckel ( I couldn't get a straight answer on what his name actually was) "but PF was dope to the max." PF is the abbreviated name for the children's version, guy.

Personally, dude, I thought it was hoe-K! I wasn't so much into the violence, drugs, and sexy sexual tension that plagued the original version, or, ov, G.

Don't forget to get PF Chang's, Hank, for it's the dang's dank.

Common commas keep cumming.









"Does he look like a doo-doo head?"

13 - 61 Halftime

God



Isn't this guy up for re-election? I mean, an eight year term with Bush was bad, but this dude has been a sitting duck since the beginning of all fucking time, dudes! We don't have to take this shit.

Tell you what we should do. Let's find this "stairway to heaven" that Robert Plant was talking about in that one song, climb that fucker, and drag this dude's sorry ass off of his throne. Easy shit. The guy deserves it. Just look at all this shit. He was a so-so designer but his workmanship was "shotty" at best - he could have contracted the work out to a better and more able construction company (or at least he could have hired day workers) but he decided to do all the work by himself and with only one good carpenter (his son), just to save a dime. And his website is an atrocity; I can't even find a direct email address or a phone number, all they provided is a 1-800 number that puts you through to a machine. Ive tried going to one of his "conveniently placed" local offices and the service there sucked. They told me I had to be "saved" and would have to be "dead" to meet with him directly, unless God himself chose to speak with me, whereby he would then appear as a floating hologram representation of Jimmy Buffet. Great. Just great. AND ALMIGHTY.

I give God:

Bruce Willis out of "Look Who's Talking Too"

Half Life 2

Dude this band fucking RULES!!!!! I saw them play at SXSW last year and I bought all of their 7"s and I thought they were pretty good at first, but then over the winter I totally fell in love with their infectious pop melodies!
Comprising the band is brother and sister/mother and lover duo, Marquis and Marqueef; I'm sure you already know who's who ;)
The band is from Brooklyn/Portland and they love to fuck.

8.67/10.00

Boom.tv

I saw this movie where the trailer was exploding and it fucking ripped my pants so fast that I tripped the hippopotomus into the honey hot tub. It was a bit too much to hannnnndle so I stealthfully retreated the Act IIII where I found the Fernando Staff. I think it has a curse - where upon my attack power is generated a flux of a bility a whole nother dimension of powerfull explosions. I detroyed a trailer and reflected.

I wish it was a band.

Then again,

I wish it was my dad.

The Medallion

Willis, Greg, and and and drew put together a film about Jackie Chan and a guy from the Drew Carrey show. It was pretty funny, at least in the way that it protected audience members from states of non funny. However; visions of dreaming dragons drug drearily drudge judgments. I felt a little awkward when I found Phil's little brother in the movie. He seemed a little eccentric, I hope he is okay - I think it might be the right thing; the treatment that is. I thought at first that it might be detrimental to his health, but it ended up being a miracle. He is doing well. I love the work that Tan put into the sound design. It felt like a wimpum of sine-graves. At one point time slowed down so much that I could see the dinosaurs that walk to slow to see.

No man, I just wiped my butt.

Out of Money

Earth

Never in my life have I encountered something so dumb as the planet Earth. Dude seriously, when she first started out I was into it and I thought a lot of her ideas were really good. Now it just seems that all of her songs are about the same stuff. And what the hell is up with things like tornadoes, famine, and sea monsters? I can't believe that shit goes on.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE WATER SLIDES, DUDE.

I went there last week after work and wanted to unwind, kick back, maybe jump off some rocks into the river, when all of a sudden I was completely surrounded by life. Ew! Gross! It was SO unbearable! There were birds and trees and oxygen and water and I was completely weirded out. Plus the service was SO shitty.

I give the third planet farthest from the Sun:

99 degrees out of 100 degrees of ass gas

Sleeping

Sometimes when I gets real tired and the long day has me tuckered, I lay down with my eyes open. I usually sleep without panties or shoes. I do like lotion and heart alarm clocks next to the bed. I like to think my alarm clock LOVES me and would tell me in case some strange intruder with a full lighting kit comes in to sample my dusty curbs.

69 out of 100

(It's not good, BUT IT'S PASSING ;)

The Replacements

"Yards of fun!"

This movies got it all. Big stars and equally titanic cheerleader tits. It will make nipples hard and your cat wet. It will even go as far as making your dog yelp "I RUVVVV YOUUU".


Its an underdoggiestile reachover ballsnatcher of a story line. Good for the whole fam-damn-ily. Its full metaphorical sillilessssesnesss that will vibe positvely with your mombody.

Enjoy this movie on family game night atfer you get back from your ward. The elders may not understand, but Keanu does (though he may not understand himself).

As for the acting, Keanu kills the part. In fact, he could have acted the part while simultaneously filling out his W-4 and baking the best cookies ever.

I mean, fuck "Rudy". Get this movie and you will have a good time. With themes of "Team spirit" and "faith", a group of people fight to one goal. How could you go wrong?

Its funbelievably 1 out of 4.

Go get it at your local red box.

Cannibal Holocaust

This movie is awesome because there is lots of killing and raping. They kill a turtle for real one time in the video. It so sick. I mostly like the part where the American Woman gets raped and her head gets cut off. Totally silly. Supposedly it's banned in most countries and deemed "filth" by most viewers.

When I saw it, it made me feel really uncomfortable.

4 out of 5

North Atlantic Ocean

Despite occupying an elongated,

sprocket gated,

S shaped

totally longitudally located

basin of the sea,

the Atlantic Ocean does not deserve the capitalization of it's title.

This North Atlantic northern portion of the Atlantic Ocean Sea Bed

leaves all amount of desire to be desired.

The clown fish do not even live there.

And they have an ingenious survival agreement.

The only life found here

Around here.

in the last 6 hundred and seventy 4 years

has been a.

Petrified orange sea turtle.

At first the people were real real excited for the discovery

and then they realized that the turtle and even the turtle's inner workings and even it's heart were petrified.

No movement in over:

the process does not take millions of years,

but rather a particular set of circumstances including

acids minerals and or dry conditions.

And then it happened.

The North Atlantic Ocean receives stars that should be starfish living there but

aren't because all there is is petrified sea turtles.

They should be there but they aren't.

1 out of 3

Hook

Hook absolutely astonished me in '67 with it's illustrious performance by Manhattan Transfer at Tony's Hookah Lounge.

The lighting director was really on point.

The movie version, however, left munch to be desired.

The lighting director was

ignorant.

2 out of 1

Freedom

Today I was reminded by a spirit of the price of freedom. Thinking then about the Dulle Company I remembered that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, first in our thoughts, forever in our hearts.

Why'd you forget that, Dennis?

0 Towers out of 2

YouTube World's Greatest Freak Out

Sam Raimi's movie's game's player's brother places computer iSight in room of brother who suffers from World of Warcraft psychosis.

Stuff of Gods?

Or are we just taking you...

on a ride?

2 out of 5

The Last Star Fighter

Last night I had the pleasure of watching The Last Star Fighter (1984), a film by Nick Castle. The story follows a young chump named Alex (Lance Guest), who is damn good at the video game Star Fighter. He is so good, in fact, that the smooth talking Centauri (Robert Preston), who invented Star Fighter abducts Alex and takes him on the journey of a lifetime.

This film is the whole package; it has a great cast of cooky side characters, a musical score stolen almost exclusively from Star Wars, and computer animated sequence that would make a high-school digital arts student blush.

Grig (Dan O'Herlihy) contemplates a decision.

This movie is pretty spectacular. I give it

Poop Stars out of Diamonds.